Clutter

 Last week, we replaced 20 plus year old carpet in the bedrooms. We had to move all of Andrew's stuff out. We were both sad. Cried several times during the week. The room, which had a faint Andrew boy smell which we now know was attached to the carpet. The smell is gone. We both still have some of Andrew's clothes. We can get that smell back. There was a bittersweetness to the smell. I loved it but it had the power to make me cry. I'm semi okay with the smell being gone. I'm sad it's gone too. I can hear Andrew saying, " oh Mom, come on. The carpet is great." It is. But this is loss. So many times my feelings are mixed. I realized I've accepted ambivalence/ mixed feelings are an actual part of me now.  

The carpet in, Nadia came home for a busy weekend. Full of decluttering which must be a new word in the English language. Nadia and I decluttered her room. I remembered the boxes sitting on the floor of her room amidst a clutter of save, donate and throw piles... I remembered I saved papers, mementoes from their years in school, baptism, big events. I have a small box for each of them in an out of the way storage area. The box, a receptacle for too many emotions, I instantly decided, stays with me until I die.