Last weekend, I rearranged parts of the house in a frenzy of furniture moving activity. The crazy energy of anxiety and momentum carrying me along; worry about the election before, during and after and covid. Finally, I went for a walk. At a fast pace. Even then, I began to see how I was chasing change.
I wanted to make some change rather than have change just happen. I wanted to see if changing where pictures and furniture were placed would help me feel less sad in parts of the house. It's too soon to tell.. We're spending more time in the house this year. I like looking at my photos of Andrew and Nadia some times. Some times I feel like I just got a soft punch to the heart as I look and pass by.
It's more I can take the punch now. Even, I acknowledge this sounds...well not healthy..Why set yourself up for pain? Because sometimes I look at a picture and I feel this rush of love. I hear his voice. Its how grief has changed me...I'm more comfortable with the unpredictability of my feelings. More willing to see what I get.
Why can't I do that with the epitome of unpredictable; this election week? This world wide unpredictable is harder to manage emotionally. We need anchors. I do. So, I'll look to the trees; the Oaks and Maples have lived through so many elections, wars and frightening weather. And take a deep breath and remember who I love and who loves me. That's all we've really got anyway. Right?
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