Be enough

 Tomorrow is Andrews Birthday. I’ve been sad all week I’ve become aware of two new pieces this year.  It’s been five years.    

 I had this surfacing expectation it would look different. I would be different; more matter of fact, more business like, motoring along in acceptance. Sometimes I am. 

And sometimes I’m more confused about the future, more sad.  Grief is more present than last year. Sadness feels like an insurmountable wall today.  I’m standing in front of it. One step at a time I remind myself. 

Two is I’m navigating through a thicket of expectations about where I should be…expectations creating shame and guilt. It’s strangely hard to let them go and realize I don’t know. To ask myself how are you, really?

I know I love Andrew forever. And I feel that love. I know grief is a journey. Which means unexpected events, feelings, thoughts happen. That’s all I know today.  I’ll try to let that be enough.