some words about words

Where do the words I don't say go? Do they bury themselves deep in my brain, saturating gray matter with a flood of chemicals?  Does my brain automatically trigger a flood of emotional chemicals recognizing certain words? Words like

yes

no

I hate you

I love you

I can't say this 

You're wrong or 

you're right.

You promised.

I can't take this

why are you doing this to me?

Stop!

Go!

    

    How many words in a single sentence do we actually hear when someone is talking? If we deem it unimportant, I bet we don't hear every word. I tune out, thinking about my  own problems, spinning into a potential answer. The 21 hours of words of Senator Ted Cruz?  Did his brain simply disengage from memory, making communicating a mechanical act? I understand he read Green Eggs and Ham by Dr. Seuss.

    Some words have to be automatic responses. Hello, Good bye even I love you or reading as a parent any Dr. Suess! It seems a form of mindlessness vs mindfulness.  Mindfulness, then, is our brain sorting, moment by moment, forced to decide and sometimes deciding too fast and too slow, what to say and what not to say driven by emotions, beliefs and perceptions. Talking can be so fast, full of perceptual, subconscious information. We make mistakes. But, don't and stop are fear driven, a rapid responses. Our brain is protecting us. Necessary mindlessness.

    How often do I, especially when driving my car, think about what I should have said, could have said or questioning the not saying?  Once, I didn't say good bye to someone quite close to me. It was the last time I ever saw him. I still wish I would have called out good bye.

   I know not saying what I should say, especially when it is "no" or a version of no, immediately makes me feel disappointed in myself or worse.  The opposite is finally saying the words. The feeling of relief, closure and/ or somehow feeling clearer, lighter.

    Long term, the words I don't say seem to stay inside, churning through the rest of my daily, conscious mind. Sometimes, they sneak out in my dreams as a disembodied voice, whispered or mumbled with only certain words clear. Are those the words I really should have said? Does my dream brain know better than my conscious brain?

   I was once advised by a teacher to just say everything I was thinking because good intention is conveyed in over communicating. Another form of mindlessness I couldn't do. It did help me to say more; to explain more and to learn the glazed eye, look away body language of you are saying too much.

   Do we hear our own words? Listen to what we are saying? Active listening, the overused term, applies to me as well as others. Depending on the situation, I can be more focused on the communicating process;  sorting through and readying a response. Active listening is hard when I disagree, don't like the tone, the person. Listening to myself when I am angry or upset can stop me. I don't want to sound, to say, to remember saying... but sometimes I still fail. Sometimes, I don't want to listen to slow down enough to listen to myself. The force of anger drives my words forward. Anger wins.

   Recently, I had the odd experience of having too much to say and saying nothing. Because I could not decide what to leave out. I over thought and then nothing from all of my words available, seemed like the right thing to say. I felt hopeless. I said nothing. The situation went in a direction unanticipated but workable. Some of what I wanted to say was said in a different way. I have learned but sometimes forget in my need to "do something/ communicate that sometimes saying nothing works. And curiously, I don't remember those words. I only remember feeling hopeless and then, hopeful.

   When are my words important to others? When are my words and me, insignificant? What part do I play, besides witness, in the current government crisis, in the Minnesota Orchestra talks? None. I do feel compelled to say, are you listening? Because this level of distress in my business would mean you are not listening to yourself or the other side of the conflict. Maybe there are too many words, said or unsaid and too many feelings resting in the air between the two sides. Mistakes have been made. I had another teacher tell me, when impasse occurs, go back to one. I have successfully used that advice. So, I just want to say.... Start over, listen. Don't make all of us live with your mistakes, with your words.