Letter To Dad

Dear Dad,

Just back from Zion National Park and the St. George Utah area. It's weird to say as my last letter was all about Africa. This trip, planned a while ago instead of a September trip which was cancelled, felt too soon after my last trip. Excessive. and I kind of dragged myself onto the airplane. But I did love hiking in Zion... I loved moving at my own pace. I loved, loved crawling around on slick rock. And the physical effort of hiking up, the even more joyful challenge of hiking down, the oneness with trail and rock is very meditative. It is, I have decided, my form of meditation. It makes me happy.

I didn't feel the same, I'm in the right place feeling that I had on the summit of Kilimanjaro at the summit of Observation point in Zion National Park. If anything, the summit felt like a side trip, a sort of distraction from the real work of hiking. Then on the way down, I went on by myself, jogging, running, surefooted down the mountain. It was two miles of lovely. Two miles my companions didn't even remark on. Actually they did, they made fun of me. I shrugged it off after a bit. I even hated that, having to work on my feelings.

I'm reading The Road to Character by David Brooks right now. What I like is the idea of working in a planned way, on your character. It's like the meditative part of hiking; working in unison with body and mind. At the time I heard the comment, at the bottom of hike,  I felt so happy. The comment drained the happiness away. I don't like being so sensitive to the opinion of others. I was tired and immediately felt irritable.  I got angry at myself and them which made me feel worse. And then I thought hang on, you were happy, whose opinion matters here? and because I wanted more happiness, I focused on those feelings. And I felt happy ..The hike became mine again.

I know there is always interpersonal awkwardness at times, when you travel with other people. I have thought, since Africa, it's the ability to figure out what's important to talk about and what needs to just go away that is part of a good group dynamic. And when you have to talk about it, when to do it and what to say.

When I did think about it, later when I had a shower, food, wasn't tired from the hike....it stung. But I was able to think about myself not as a victim of hurt but also as a person who says hurtful things sometimes in a group and regrets them. I still feel, and this is the part I'm working with in my character, like there is this dynamic with me where I choose people who need support/to be appreciated but are awful at giving it back.  Is it all some teaching moment for us both? Its not working! Sounds whiny, doesn't it? and perfectionistic.

Remember when you stopped in the lobby of the local supermarket to give money to this young boy who was homeless, holding a sign?  I walked right by him, intent on the supermarket but you saw him, Dad. And you stopped, bent down and looked into his face, said something to him, gave money and I saw from his face, whatever you said, made him feel better. The memory stuck. Maybe that's how it works, learning from your parents. I looked for the young boy on leaving the market that day but he was gone. And then, I started paying more attention to homeless people instead of ignoring them. And then, I realized how good and right ( parental approval) it felt to give; thanks, appreciation to others AND how the chances of getting it back increased when I gave it. In retrospect, I really needed it. Change is such a combination of forces, in this case selfish and unselfish. I hope you understand that and give me some credit, at least for my honesty.

And to be more honest, I'm guessing you grew up in a family without much acknowledgement and support for the good and so did I. Sorry Dad. Maybe the memory stuck in part, because you and Mom were high in the critical what you could have done to make that better and low in encouragement, support part. But that's not all of it. Growing up shy, introverted is my personality. I hid myself. And yet, I wanted support or really recognition. I know it creates a difficulty as a parent myself and a daughter.

That's part of what made Africa powerful though. Group support. But it was with people who don't know me very well; my faults and my story, etc. right? So who knows how supportive they would be if they had known me longer but wait a minute, that's flawed. That assumes if they knew me well, they wouldn't be supportive. How do I know?

Maybe, they didn't even think they were being supportive. I was just so hungry for it in that way of being hungry that you only know when you taste something that is so perfectly what you need. You realize how hungry you were only afterwards. It is powerful, the acknowledgement that you are a good hiker. It gave me self confidence to challenge myself further. And, the piece I will be eternally thankful for, is the support we all gave each other doing something as challenging as climbing Kilimanjaro. It was a great group.

 And musing on what has been one of my long term fascinating subjects and explorations, what is it like to have that as a constant? Fame and its effects. If you have low self esteem, and you get filled up with other people thinking you're great, supporting you, acknowledging you as important when you are in the room.... how do you manage it so it doesn't destroy you or make you an awful person; narcissistic, self absorbed? Caught up in a world view of I really am more important than you?

I watched the movie Danny Collins on the way home. Al Pacino is amazing!! Danny, a famous singer, has this moment where he could be different, a different kind of singer with his own newly written songs, a big leap of faith. He can't quite do it. He, himself, can't give up on who the world sees him being even though it was destroying him to continue being that creation. So he compromises, keeping some of the new ( a relationship with his son and family) and a lot of the old. Choosing to deaden those internal voices saying you hate this. You've changed inside. Now show it outside....I don't know, I guess I'd like to believe he changes the way he is with people who care about him. I'd like to believe he performs those new songs as part of his same old concerts.

Its a problem for people I see in therapy: do I have to change everything to change to who I am now? I used to think it was easier to completely change everything in a life. I don't think so now having watched people do it. Both ways are hard. Both require focus on the goal of a happier life. With or without fame, the people around you in both cases want you to stay the same ( unless the problem is you are a real jerk!). Their first response is to resist change and say change back.

And if you change everything; location, relationships. Loneliness can be just as big a draw for staying the same because you miss the who you were, with them. The people who loved you, knew you even if they don't know you now. Their assumptions are flawed but loving. Anyway, they, friends, family, they liked the old you, like the groupies in Danny Collins who he stared at and got up and did the same old songs for...sad really. He couldn't quite get that they could like or even love him if he did something different. It was too risky for him. He didn't give people who admired the old him a chance to have an opinion, to change themselves, to enjoy even, this new person/ part.

And in a nice ending, connection paragraph, I have to say I don't like that St. George or even Utah, does that this condo village thing where every condo looks alike. Its just a little too weird. The uniform sameness makes me feel like, all the people actually living there have the same views, political, world, as well.

It was a very nice condo. Decorated well, comfortable inside. but.... I guess sameness even paired with comfort doesn't work for me. It's ultimately boring. I believe you were like that as well. and thankfully! we're not alone. I like variety, differentness. The vastness of the world comforts me. I can't imagine seeing all of it ever. I love that. I'm sure its actually disturbing for some people. So there we are. We are all different. There's a cliche ending for you!

love
Margot