Two

Halloween I bought the candy but Ray got home in time to hand it out. He enjoyed answering the door to the small number of trick or treaters but the one that made me feel I had made the right decision was when Ray called down, Batman is here. Batman was Andrew on one Halloween. He loved that costume. I know I wouldn't have projected the right attitude so I'm glad he didn't remember at the time Batman was at the door.

Today, I went to a exercise class with an instructor and music I used to love. I've tried once before but honestly; she's a bit too inspiring for me. And the music, her husband plays usually has rap, that reminds me of Andrew. So the class is hard now. I cried on the way home because I really liked how I felt after that class; so uplifted! and now I hate how its changed. It made me this toxic mixture of sad and angry.

I'm not sure I'm going to publish all these pieces because honestly, who would want to read about how hard my life is as I navigate the awful grief? I'm trying to help by sharing. I hope my readers feel less alone as I do when I write about my new landscape.

I'm just trying to be brave because I know it's better than being hopeless (it will never change) or afraid ( of the future) or lost ( in what feels like a bottomless sad). Although some days I feel hopeless, some days I'm afraid and some days I'm lost. Remember what Andrew left me; hope on a piece of paper. "Reach for the stars. Even in the dark, there's always a light."