Rage

Well, I made it through. the month of May. You see, May has three birthdays; my daughters, mine and my sons. My son, who passed away last year from an accidental overdose of fentanyl celebrated his first heavenly birthday. So I was sad and exhausted and working extremely hard through the issues of the pandemic. So maybe I wasn't in a good place ( few people were) when George Floyd was killed. It was heartbreaking. I honestly don't have words. He, on a personal level was someone's son. Someone's partner. He was loved.

So I understand the protests on the level I can, acknowledging my white privilege.  I am trying to understand every day. Here is what I also understand from working with it for over 25 years. I understand rage. And rage wounds the person, wounds others. Rage is a totally destructive emotion. Rage provides justification for the worst crimes including murder. I do not condone rage. Ever.

Rage is the highest point on the anger scale. Centuries of systemic racism can definitely power the emotion of rage. But rage is different from anger. Rage is physically, a total shutdown of the brain. which is how violence, in someone who wouldn't be described by friends and family as violent, happens. Rage is destructive. Anger can be instructive. Rage cannot. It is too big.

I understand suffering, more than I ever have. On a deeply personal level. And I believe beyond a certain point, suffering is also not helpful. It does not enlighten us. It tears us down. The certain point can be different for everyone. I'm suffering from grief and loss. Some days more than ever.

What's different about this suffering is I know it won't end. I will miss my son forever. So, in a very small way, I can relate to knowing the endlessness of suffering. Systemic racism will not end in my lifetime. I believe the steps of continued protest, education and speaking up will continue to wear away at racism. But I understand again, standing outside, the hopelessness of knowing racism and pain will not end in your lifetime.

I'm hopeful about the slowdown of rage today. Hopeful that the anger, righteous anger the raising of consciousness, increased understanding will fuel change in the long term. Because that's what's needed. So, I'm in for the long haul. And grateful today for the receding of rage.