The Power In Uncertainty

There is so much uncertainty in our world. Pandemic, political uncertainty. Uncertainty increases anxiety. But what else can it do? A couple weeks ago, Ray and I rode our bikes through a rural area. We stopped at a large gas station to buy water. It was a warm, cloudy day, after a rain shower. 

 

The gas station had a large number of ATV vehicles and drivers. Some of the ATV’s had flags announcing their politics. I sat down on a bench while Ray went in to buy water. I was enjoying the rest, enjoying watching muddy drivers and passengers, laughing and sharing stories. 

 

My gaze stopped on three men standing in front of their ATV’s at the gas pumps. They were glaring at me. Them in their muddy ATV’s with flags flying. Me in my lycra biking outfit with helmet and hard biking shoes sitting on a bench. I imagined them thinking about me in a me vs them way. A woman alone vs man way. An Insert political party vs insert political party way across the broad expanse of cracked cement filled with other ATV’s, families, people laughing and sharing stories. And I broke my gaze and looked away and kept looking away, hating doing that.…. 

 

And what uncertainty has created is my next thought… I’m already anxious about the way you are looking at me. Because of what I think you are thinking. What if I were Black, Brown, Native American?  What if I were openly LGBQT? I felt a punch of real fear. I had what therapists call, a catastrophic thought in the me vs them category. Would anyone help me if they came over and what?.. tried to talk to me, tried to fight me, made disparaging or worse, remarks? What if they follow when we leave?? All these people are ATV’ers. They probably all live or know people who live in this small town. They…would be loyal to…them, my anxiety said.

 

I literally took a breath and let it out. I told myself, yes but, some of these people are mothers, fathers, children, cousins and friends. Some of these people have hard daily lives, have known tough times and suffering. Some take care of people they love. They are not just ATVers. We are not just one description. We have many.

 

So here’s where the new level of national uncertainty comes in…I couldn’t convince myself that was enough to protect me. And I started to get a little angry about feeling afraid. So, I stared back at them, careful to not look angry, but I stared. They were still standing, still looking at me and so I looked away and looked back again. 

 

This time, one of them finished at the gas pump. He slapped another on the shoulder, saying something like, let’s go. They got on their ATV’s and drove across the street, waiting in a line for the rest of their group. And occasionally looking over, as Ray came out, we shared drinks, got on our bikes and rode away. They rode away too on the opposite side of the road. We literally rode parallel separated by the road, for a bit. Symbolic and real. 

 

I’m still thinking about that encounter on various levels. I can say the current uncertain, anxious future has added a new level to my perspective. It’s only a micro minute but it’s a start. I felt anxious but only fearful when I thought of being well, more different. A micro minute of living in a different world. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what else to say except I’m trying. And I believe change happens, even small change, when we recognize it as change.  

 

 I tell my clients, fear is friend and foe. Fear is your brain trying, at the most basic level, to keep you alive. Fear in the form of catastrophic thinking imagining the worst,,,, so you can plan for it. Not because it's the reality. Because it's one possible reality. One truth of that encounter for me is ultimately my perspective, my awareness is changing. And that’s good. Leonard Cohen said it best. There’s a crack in everything. It’s where the light gets in.”