Two sides

 Life in this pandemic feels like a series of choices with the best answer always being no. Denying myself has been an all or nothing event for me. Don't shop at all or shop constantly until I find the perfect thing. Clean the whole house or don't clean/just pick up. 

Saying no to doing something is harder in the pandemic. It's harder in grieving. Too much time to think means too much time  is drifting toward dark and pain. Exercise really helps. And mostly, I choose yes for exercise. 

I'm trying to choose no to binge watching vs reading. Because the therapist in me knows, choosing no without an alternative is way harder than a no leading to yes. So no to binge watching The Crown and yes to reading Anxious People, a book I'm enjoying. 

But some actions speed past choice and right into doing...they are in the land of habits but not exactly. Being home, working from home has uncovered some of mine. A drift, when bored or tired to wander toward the fridge, open it and close it. Sometimes, eat something for something to do. Scrolling on my phone. Turning on the television during lunch. Falling asleep on the sofa in the evening. 

 I'm conscious of this now so I turn away from the fridge, turn off the tv, put my phone down. Its harder to say no when I catch myself at it. And then do what? I have a break from work but not a big break. What does a break look like? I don't know; I'm trying meditation ( sometimes makes me tired), listening to a podcast, a short walk, folding laundry ( which really doesn't work). 

At work, I could make myself tea, do some different work, sneak out for a coffee, run an errand, walk around a nearby lake. I enjoyed getting away from the office. At home, the last two are a longer drive and not necessary and /or involve some risk these days. There were less no's at work because there were less choices. I see the peace, the ease in less choices. The pandemic has made all of us have less choices about what to do. And in some ways, I mourn the loss of choices like eating out, browsing in a store. 

I read a book by Rhonda Rimes called Yes. It talked about having too many no's. And saying yes to what scares you. The other side is saying yes to too many things to the point of distraction. Saying no narrows the world a bit. And potentially makes it less challenging. I miss challenging. There is no middle in this blog post! There are two sides. That's where I am today.