Thoughts on Grief

I read this yesterday on facebook. It just haunted me. Today someone posted. something to the effect that yes we can but we can also do all of these actions at once. Thank you! 

I just have to say how upsetting this attitude toward grief is to me. It makes grief a choice. A choice between happy and sad. which isn't a real choice in the complexity of our emotional life. And the pain of grief is not a choice. How you manage the pain is again, in my opinion, a choice to the extent of the intensity of the pain. 

What I mean is, when my pain shows up in a manageable portion, I can choose gratitude. I can let the feeling come and go. I can do some of what is below. Sometimes, when grief is very painful, or a wave of grief, it's not a choice between happy and sad. So simplistic. and I worry makes people feel guilty over grieving. I've heard this phrase the selfishness of grief. and I think, some people are so uncomfortable with pain they judge it as selfish. That's their problem not the grieving person. Managing grief is a challenge but calling it selfish makes it worse not better. We love someone and we miss them. That's not selfish. 

Acceptance of pain is better than denial of pain. I have dealt with so many people who feel like they are so ungrateful. They have so much but they are struggling with loss. So they beat themselves up for it. or deny the pain and just go on. This doesn't work and does so much damage as well. 

Loss is a painful emotion. I miss Andrew every day. I accept I will miss him every day for the rest of my life. Some days more than others. Referencing below... He didn't leave enough for me. Yes, I have my memories of what he loved, what I knew. The sad part about addiction is not knowing him as well as I wish I could have known him in his 20s. Addiction got in the way. Simplistic thinking in the piece below! again. 

. Holidays are especially difficult. This season is difficult. We had an okay Thanksgiving thanks to some friends who lent us their cabin while they were out of town. Changing the location does help. And Sunday we adopted a puppy. A good distraction although a tiring one, at times. But we already love him. Loving people and animals is not hard. and feels good. Opening my heart feels good. Always has and always will. Grieving, crying are a part of my process. I don't have to choose one or the other.