Progress not Perfection

 I've been thinking about purpose lately. And it's helped. I think grief knocked me off my bearings. Still knocks me off sometimes... I just read a piece about how many people end up with broken bones after a significant loss. The doctor said grief makes people lose their sense of balance. How true!

My purpose is to help people. To help people by my counseling, my writing. To help people when they are suffering, when they are  even confused, in transition, working on personal growth. Helping them, make no mistake, helps me to a degree. I have learned so much from my clients in my work as a therapist. Its incalculable how much they have helped me. I'll be eternally grateful. 

But Andrew's death has made my purpose sometimes feel foggy. How can I help people when I'm grieving, feel lost, feel sad or ashamed of my life? It was only when Andrew's addiction was really hard and stressful, and when my Mom and Dad died that I realized; being in pain can make me more able to be comfortable with other peoples big pain. 

The expression of big pain; howling grief, sadness is exhausting for them and for me. It's a risk opening that door.  Because sometimes, the expression of big pain doesn't help. Sometimes, people leave upset, wounded, worse off. Big pain is better off let off slowly sometimes. Sometimes not. There are openings in therapy. But having experienced it... when I know what big pain feels like, it gives unconscious permission I believe, for people to consider letting that big ugly pain out. 

With Andrew, such a huge loss, I can't say that's true all the time. A wise therapist once told me, the point of being a therapist isn't to be perfect all the time. It's to be present, to be who you are in the moment with all of your skills and experience. That isn't always perfect.  I have felt that when I'm hurting inside, I've done some great work because I can't show up in the same way. Sometimes, I've felt when I'm hurting, I'm not doing great work. I can say I do the best I can...which is what we all do. Someone said this..progress not perfection.