Bitter

 Bitter comes from the old English as well as a large number of other languages meaning to bite as an adjective or cruel, mean as a noun. I use it as a adjective and a noun lately. I feel bitter at times. I feel, as I explained to my therapist, like bitter is irrational, doesn't take into account perspective, is even whiny and self pitying. Yes, that's where I am; an ugly land I can't see my way out of so far. All I can do is keep exploring. 

I'm bitter about how other people's lives seem easier than mine. Even though! as a therapist I know how much pain and history can be hidden or unknown by others. I'm bitter that my son is gone; memories to have going forward are no longer possible. I'm bitter that his friends are alive (wince) sometimes even though I 100 percent wouldn't want anything bad to happen to them. I wouldn't wish the pain on anyone. Bitter doesn't make sense. Life isn't fair. I know this cognitively but right now Life isn't fair feels like a big whine. 

That's where it is. Life isn't fair. It just isn't and no one ever said it would be. But fairness is a value universally accepted and sought for. Justice, whole systems are built around it. Ironically, life itself though, isn't fair. and that's where I am today. I'm guessing and hoping I won't be there next week.