Loss and Distance

An old friend of many years contacted me last week.. She was there for me when Andrew died. But right after the funeral, she distanced herself. I've never understood why. The pain of my catastrophic loss just took that pain and rolled it into the larger ball. 

We’ve exchanged seasonal cards.  She sent a one line, kind, card recently. What I've realized is whatever that was, her distancing herself...It doesn't matter. Loss has taught me a bittersweet lesson. Understanding the past doesn't change where we are today. Understanding Andrew's addiction, processing memories continues but it doesn't change that he's gone. 

I have a lot less energy for that process. Looking back isn't just about the final distancing between her and I. That history is all bound up in losses... It's the kind of pain I have to choose because it's the kind of pain/ a place in my internal landscape that's hard to move from.

She may want to discuss what happened. Assign blame or work out misunderstandings. I'm sure there were some on both sides. We're human! I have forgiven her as much as I can. Perhaps, I could do more if we talked. It doesn't matter because our friendship, as it was, is now over.  I'm not going to be the friend she had. That person is so far gone...I see her vaguely as a shape in the background.

Like Oliver, I can't grow the limb, the arm back. I'm more cautious, more careful of my emotional energy. Before, I would have done it. I'm sure listening to her side of the story would help her. So, I would give her that.

 Now I know...For me, It would be exhausting. In the end, it doesn't change the now. I wish for a moment with her, not some larger understanding, to say, I’m grateful for our past friendship. Go forward, my friend.