Shame Whispers

 I've been thinking about shame; the unconscious effects in my life. Much as I try, I have felt shame about how I parented Andrew. Coulda, woulda, shoulda and what if. Places that are not helpful. I own the mistakes I made but the with loss, I'll never know if that could or would have changed where we are now. 

I think, us parents of children with addiction, we all carry shame. Shame whispers to us; even if we get better at talking to it, at working with it.... It talks us through bad friendships. We value our friendships, probably too highly. These friends that stick with us through the ups and downs. We put them first in the friendship. After all, they were friends with us, the ones with a problem child ( somehow it's something we did, shame whispers, somehow we have 100% control over how our children turn out.) Shame whispers, see, their lives have turned out better. So they are...better than us.  They deserve more, shame whispers. We deserve little. We should work harder.

 I just learned the painful lesson again, that when shame chooses friends, it chooses badly. It chooses friends who  are basically another addict; requiring the largest share of attention in every situation. So, when attention even in the form of hardship or happiness occurs in your life, they simply cannot be your friend. The way they end the relationship is shaming.

 Ugh! I'm a therapist; shouldn't I have known better? (that's shame talking). Only if I gave up being human when I became a therapist! (that's me talking). Also, also, we speak the same language. Where did that giant need for attention come from? Some of it is shame talking/ whispering to them.

It's ironic really, those of us struggling with issues around codependency ( no one, I believe is entirely codependent. We are all people first, struggling) and especially those of us parenting a child with addiction can be the hardest workers in all of our relationships and get the least amount of credit for it. Because we keep choosing people who demand the most credit and the most attention! (more on that later)

I'm going to learn this time (yes, it's the second time). Not to let shame make my choices. It's sad that before Andrew passed away, I was beginning to see these relationships differently. My intuition was talking. The grief, the horrible pain of loss washed it all to the side. And I'm still in pain. I'm just moving forward, making him proud.