It's a Holiday

 Today I speak as a therapist as well as a person grieving. I hear so many sad stories of the holidays. A lot of them are sadder because of the unmet expectations, the societal media pictures of happy families, the Christmas cards showing everyone posing together. The assumption that we're happy...and all together. 

I'm asking for all of us to consider how many holidays have been perfect or even close to it...how many have been okay, so so, or merely, not that good? And how many have been I couldn't wait to leave, bad? The holidays are an event where a sense of perspective is infrequently used. 

This adds an intensity of feelings which can produce good and bad outcomes. All the planning and preparation make the event potentially, stressful. If you've done all this work to make it special, it better be good! thinking( less positive). or we'll all be on our best behavior (more positive).

Everyone should, I suppose, be expected to behave; be kind, gentle and loving. Even if we haven't seen each other since the last holiday when cousin George got into a argument with cousin Susan over politics and they both sulked the rest of the time. 

In fact, let's consider how putting a bunch of people who only see each other a couple times a year, in a house for say, 8 hours, could go wrong?!?

Here's my therapeutic answer. Lower your expectations. And find one action you can do to make yourself feel good. Like talk to cousin George, who is a actually a funny guy.  Maybe think about one holiday regret from last year. This year, give your Mom a hug. Or say a toast to your Mom in heaven. Or to all those who are gone. Yes There is a place for loss in the holidays. I believe when loss is unspoken; its lonely, isolating and shaming.  

And my last thought, times being what they are, is close the door on the holidays knowing you, personally did your best; you told people you loved them...you didn't leave words unsaid. I hope the holidays give us all a chance to love and feel loved. 

PUBLISHED IN Letters in Minneapolis Star Tribune December 25, 2021