Feeling Good

My mother was furious. She dragged my ten year old twin sister and I away from a Saturday afternoon of play in our middle class San Francisco neighborhood. She refused to tell us where we were going.

We spent an hour driving through an area full of rundown homes, deserted streets and boarded up storefronts called Hunter's Point. I remember first, pressing my face against the window, then sitting back, feeling pity and shock. This place was nothing like my neat, antiseptically landscaped, middle class neighborhood.

I did not go home cured of wanting the expensive doll prompting the afternoon's outing. I did not feel obligated, despite my mother's strong suggestion, to give some of my allowance to a Hunter's Point foundation. I remember wanting to escape and asking politely if I could go outside to play. I don't think the experience changed my behavior at all.

The memory came back to me as I was musing on how I can glance through the paper, read about people starving to death at an astronomical rate in Darfur, feel a momentary rush of pity and without pausing, look down and consider whether or not to attend a clearance sale at my favorite sporting goods store. Is escaping the painful emotions of pity and shame by distracting why my eyes move from horrifying pictures to sporting goods sales?

The following year, my mother made me volunteer to help disabled people as a swimmer's aide. It was fun playing with a girl, my age who was deaf. I remember the wonder of realizing she and I were a lot alike. My Mom was openly proud of me. Altruism, putting others needs before my own, encouraged. In fact, for years, I collected and donated money to disabled children charities.

Philosophers such as Nietzsche argue pure altruism doesn't exist. People do good only when there is some personal benefit. So it has to feel good to do good. In my childhood case, the successful formula for altruism meant doing good and feeling good in at least equal measure. The real question becomes how much of doing altruistic acts has to be about feeling good? What would make me write a check to Darfur?

Often, I read about the crisis in Darfur. I have the same passing thought. I should send some money. But I don't do it. Why? Is it because contributing to Darfur doesn't feel nearly as good as teaching children to swim?

How important is connection to altruistic acts? I felt distanced from the folks of Hunter's Point. Seeing pictures in the paper of suffering children the same age as my own children doesn't make me write a check. Say a prayer but not send money. What I feel is pity. Pity doesn't make me act. It makes me distract.

Once while walking through a neighborhood, I witnessed a motorcycle accident. A defective gas cap started a fire igniting the male driver and his passenger, a young woman wearing a pink polyester dress. I ran up to the edge of the flames and stood frozen in place. I was terrified. Other people ran among the flames pulling the woman out. My only thought was I can’t stand here and watch him burn. I raced up and beat the flames out on the driver's body with my back pack.

Months later, a man approached me at work. He told me he was the motorcycle driver. He thanked me for saving his life. My coworkers thought I was a hero.

Hero status still makes me uncomfortable. I think my altruism was mixed with wince, a more selfish need to protect myself from feeling guilty or ashamed because I didn’t help. I didn’t think I have to help even if I burn. I thought, I can’t stand here and watch him burn.

It seems I have criteria for altruistic acts. I have to feel a connection in a here and now crisis or someone who I identify with on some level. The level of feeling good can even be about protecting myself from feeling shame, guilt or feeling good about myself or having others feel good about me.

Today, I read about several local murders, the economic situation and then about families with children like mine dying in Darfur. Does being overwhelmed by so much negative information lead to distraction too? Is feeling overwhelmed leading to a higher level of distraction rather than an altruistic response?

The feeling of being overwhelmed with attendant hopelessness says I can't help with every cause. My life is busy enough. Besides, lots of celebrities are involved. They have much more power than me. Let them do it in Darfur. Here is the answer. Stop reading about Darfur. Is this the voice of hopelessness or distraction talking?

In my psychotherapy office, I frequently work with hopelessness, a symptom of the larger illnesses of both depression and anxiety. Sometimes it actually works to allow clients to wallow in hopelessness while questioning their thinking.

So, I'll try that. In the case of Darfur, hopelessness says twenty bucks can do so little to effect change. I should give at least fifty dollars but I can't afford that. Answer, so you are saying you have to give a certain amount (or it has to feel a certain level of good) or you can't do give at all? Perfectionism decides my behavior.

Wallowing in hopelessness also encourages procrastination. I could wait out the feeling of ambivalence until I know what to do. Okay, so do nothing. The powerful internal voice of guilt bleats up. That isn't right. .. I see. It doesn't feel good to decide to do nothing. I have to distract not choose.

It's almost nine am. I am tired of floating in this sea of confusing thoughts and feelings. Confusion can be a form of self deception. Maybe all this confusion, all this feeling really lets me do nothing. I can't sort it out, I bleat. How safe confusion really is.

One way out of confusion is to consult an expert. An answer comes from a book called ironically, Feel Good Therapy. With procrastination author David Burns advises, take the biggest, most difficult item first. So, write the check. I still don’t feel compelled just a sort of weak should do that feeling… still not writing the check.

Oh, look an email just popped up. I will just check my email and then…..Top Chef is on tonight. I love watching people make all kinds of food......wait, what kind of person am I? Okay, now I can't stand it. The voice of distraction is disgusting me. And now I can't stand the thought of making my way around this emotion laden circle of reasoning tomorrow. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to feel good. And guess what? I am going to a website and donating using my credit card. Way easier than writing the check. I feel better already.