This morning, it occurred to me you might have known about the fine line between detachment and abandonment. I'm really talking about something like the geometry principle called asymptote. Two straight lines traveling side by side which come close but never intersect. Abandonment and detachment traveling side by side.
We are all abandoned by each other. The death of loved ones always carries a piece of abandonment. Illness and distance, real or imagined, can make anyone unable or less willing, to help us. I think the feeling of being left creates some amount of fear in all of us. As social animals, there is safety in the herd.
And as a parent, there is almost a biological imperative not to leave your children. I believe we can talk ourselves into abandoning anything, but our children is a hard one.
Unfortunately, when your children, are involved in high risk pursuits or addicted to drugs, alcohol, excitement..the line between detachment and abandonment goes murky. When to let go and when to hang on, dragging yourself and them to safety.
The line should change as our children become adults. We should be able to hold them as competent, to stand back and watch rather than intervene, as they save themselves, as they negotiate with fate or God or luck, probably too often for our peace of mind. We should be able to trust them with their own lives. It's the watching that can be hard, right?
I love word origins. ABANDON "a letting loose, surrender to natural impulses," 1822, from a sense in French abandon (see abandon (v.).
late 14c., "to give up, surrender (oneself or something), give over utterly; to yield (oneself) utterly (to religion, fornication, etc.)," from Old Frenchabandoner (12c.), from adverbial phrase à bandon "at will, at discretion,"from à "at, to" (see ad- ) + bandon "power, jurisdiction," from Latinbannum, "proclamation," from a Frankish word related to ban (v.).
So, to give up power and probably the best one:
Mettre sa forest à bandon was a feudal law phrase in the 13th cent.= mettre sa forêt à permission, i.e. to open it freely to any one for pasture or to cut wood in; hence the later sense of giving up one's rights for a time, letting go, leaving, abandoning. [Auguste
One meaning of Abandon is an act of giving up one's rights, one's control for a time... to gather wood, to fornicate!, maybe to cross a pasture. That sounds more of a thoughtful, temporary choice. More like detachment but
To un stake then. To detach could imply make free. I think abandoning implies dropping by the side of the road, not needed anymore. Separate lines going in separate directions. Freedom could be obtained from either; detaching and/or abandoning.
I have felt abandoned only a few times in my life. Being abandoned as a child, I had the real fear I wouldn't be able to save myself. I did, in unexpected ways. Saving myself made me feel stronger. Abandonment as an adult feels more shaming.
If you are abandoned with the abandoner's blessings, even confidence in your potential, competence; go forth, you can do it...it feels closer and kinder to our modern phrase of letting go. The definition of let is "not prevent or forbid. Allow." The origin of go is related to travel.
As a parent, I try to be supportive. Honest but supportive. I think my children would say I abandoned them, didn't support them at some time despite my best efforts to ride the detachment /abandonment lines. Because my detachment, my letting go felt abandoning to them. We, as parents, tell ourselves, they have to do it alone as a comfort to our uneasiness with the process. But do we? Some cultures say no, some say yes.
It's tricky territory. Not something I would want them to feel toward me. Sometimes, my own feelings of pain about letting go ( a sense I have said what I can and have no control over their final choices) on an issue has made me abrupt, even harsh in my delivery of the message.
My God, why have you forsaken me? An oft quoted line in the bible. Abandonment has an element of being lost. Of wandering alone in a wilderness; a place without land markers. Being Ostracized is a stronger version. Ostracize Mid 17th century: from Greek ostrakizein, from ostrakon ‘shell or potsherd’ (on which names were written in voting to banish unpopular citizens).
As a therapist and for myself, I remembered to "go back to one." A line from a book by the famous psychotherapist, Irving Yalom. At "one" is what I love, what brings me in the words of Joesph Campbell, "bliss." And the place I start the process of choosing how to go forward, or even contemplate an end. Internal commitment leads to external commitment. The best way to make a decision, according to experts, is a fine balance of internal and external process. Self examination and exposing thought to trusted friends and family.
How do we make a decision, if we try to be conscious to let go? I've seen people in my practice abandon because they are tired of watching and seeing failure. ( Having watched as a parent and as a therapist, I believe watching can be a vigorous form of action.) The watcher can't take watching the battle. Who wants to see someone they love fail again and again? I'll just "let go." I've seen people abandon from being overwhelmed by their own struggles not even related to the person/situation. I suspect the person involved felt abandoned in both cases.
I've seen abandonment called letting go from a sad mix of doesn't want to see the person succeed/jealousy. A failure can also affirm your negative view of life. "No one gets to do what they love." Or the painful, "I told you so. I told you life is like this." The person tries to convince the person trying to give up by calling it letting go.
Yes, I've been pondering how we rationalize abandonment.Wouldn't it be more honest to at least acknowledge it? How much less often would we say I'm letting go if we had to say I'm abandoning you/ your efforts? Is it because that means, in part, I'm failing you and myself, too? Would the process of saying what it really is aloud help us to reconsider? To stay the course knowing this is hard on us too?
Support is an action of faith, of hope. We, the supporters have to battle our own despair. I try to choose hope because we truly don't know the future except colored by our perception, our reality. Watching my clients and my family struggle with self doubt, and struggling with mine...Can't we risk admitting brokenness and humanity? Can't we detach for a while without letting go or abandoning? Can't we step back, walk next to for a while, rather than leave by the side of the road? The word asymptote fits as we walk parallel, coming close to offer support but not cross, not abandon entirely.
Which is the hard choice? Which is the easy one? and which is the right one? Good questions right? with no answer for every situation. Thanks Dad for helping me ask questions. For helping me love and value the power of words.
So, to give up power and probably the best one:
Mettre sa forest à bandon was a feudal law phrase in the 13th cent.= mettre sa forêt à permission, i.e. to open it freely to any one for pasture or to cut wood in; hence the later sense of giving up one's rights for a time, letting go, leaving, abandoning. [Auguste
One meaning of Abandon is an act of giving up one's rights, one's control for a time... to gather wood, to fornicate!, maybe to cross a pasture. That sounds more of a thoughtful, temporary choice. More like detachment but
Detach: Late 16th century (in the sense ‘discharge a gun’): from French détacher, earlier destacher, from des- (expressing reversal) + attacher ‘attach’.
Attach; Middle English (in the sense ‘seize by legal authority’): from Old French atachier or estachier ‘fasten, fix’, based on an element of Germanic origin related to stake.
To un stake then. To detach could imply make free. I think abandoning implies dropping by the side of the road, not needed anymore. Separate lines going in separate directions. Freedom could be obtained from either; detaching and/or abandoning.
I have felt abandoned only a few times in my life. Being abandoned as a child, I had the real fear I wouldn't be able to save myself. I did, in unexpected ways. Saving myself made me feel stronger. Abandonment as an adult feels more shaming.
If you are abandoned with the abandoner's blessings, even confidence in your potential, competence; go forth, you can do it...it feels closer and kinder to our modern phrase of letting go. The definition of let is "not prevent or forbid. Allow." The origin of go is related to travel.
I think of letting go as the completion of the decision to detach. Letting go is active. You are choosing, from a place of having no control anyway or not having succeeded in having control. You let go, you acknowledge completion.... If you are letting go from a place of anger or failure, it feels more like you and your quest are hopeless. Leave then. Go forth.
How often is "letting go" actually abandoning: leaving someone or some promise behind? Trying not to think about what we are doing as painful, as abandoning to the person, to ourselves. How many New Year's resolutions are kept? Shame takes a place in that room. I think shame and failure are a bit too close in our culture. The phrase letting go in that context has become a modern, palatable way of abandoning.
How often is "letting go" actually abandoning: leaving someone or some promise behind? Trying not to think about what we are doing as painful, as abandoning to the person, to ourselves. How many New Year's resolutions are kept? Shame takes a place in that room. I think shame and failure are a bit too close in our culture. The phrase letting go in that context has become a modern, palatable way of abandoning.
As a parent, I try to be supportive. Honest but supportive. I think my children would say I abandoned them, didn't support them at some time despite my best efforts to ride the detachment /abandonment lines. Because my detachment, my letting go felt abandoning to them. We, as parents, tell ourselves, they have to do it alone as a comfort to our uneasiness with the process. But do we? Some cultures say no, some say yes.
My God, why have you forsaken me? An oft quoted line in the bible. Abandonment has an element of being lost. Of wandering alone in a wilderness; a place without land markers. Being Ostracized is a stronger version. Ostracize Mid 17th century: from Greek ostrakizein, from ostrakon ‘shell or potsherd’ (on which names were written in voting to banish unpopular citizens).
As a therapist and for myself, I remembered to "go back to one." A line from a book by the famous psychotherapist, Irving Yalom. At "one" is what I love, what brings me in the words of Joesph Campbell, "bliss." And the place I start the process of choosing how to go forward, or even contemplate an end. Internal commitment leads to external commitment. The best way to make a decision, according to experts, is a fine balance of internal and external process. Self examination and exposing thought to trusted friends and family.
How do we make a decision, if we try to be conscious to let go? I've seen people in my practice abandon because they are tired of watching and seeing failure. ( Having watched as a parent and as a therapist, I believe watching can be a vigorous form of action.) The watcher can't take watching the battle. Who wants to see someone they love fail again and again? I'll just "let go." I've seen people abandon from being overwhelmed by their own struggles not even related to the person/situation. I suspect the person involved felt abandoned in both cases.
I've seen abandonment called letting go from a sad mix of doesn't want to see the person succeed/jealousy. A failure can also affirm your negative view of life. "No one gets to do what they love." Or the painful, "I told you so. I told you life is like this." The person tries to convince the person trying to give up by calling it letting go.
Yes, I've been pondering how we rationalize abandonment.Wouldn't it be more honest to at least acknowledge it? How much less often would we say I'm letting go if we had to say I'm abandoning you/ your efforts? Is it because that means, in part, I'm failing you and myself, too? Would the process of saying what it really is aloud help us to reconsider? To stay the course knowing this is hard on us too?
Support is an action of faith, of hope. We, the supporters have to battle our own despair. I try to choose hope because we truly don't know the future except colored by our perception, our reality. Watching my clients and my family struggle with self doubt, and struggling with mine...Can't we risk admitting brokenness and humanity? Can't we detach for a while without letting go or abandoning? Can't we step back, walk next to for a while, rather than leave by the side of the road? The word asymptote fits as we walk parallel, coming close to offer support but not cross, not abandon entirely.
Which is the hard choice? Which is the easy one? and which is the right one? Good questions right? with no answer for every situation. Thanks Dad for helping me ask questions. For helping me love and value the power of words.
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