Three/One Good Thing

I wrote that last piece a while ago. Today is the week of Thanksgiving. It's so hard to write consistently...I'm trying. Last week, I was really sad. Just sad. I cry every day... sometimes it helps. Last week, the gloomy weather, the gray brown landscape really didn't help me or my clients. I had to keep pushing myself forward. I'm not sleeping well. I wake up several times a night. I think I'm dreaming; sometimes I remember pieces of my day in some disturbing, helpless pattern. It takes a while to get back to sleep.  

My friend sent me a card. It was lovely and affirming. One good thing I did was send her one back with a couple small gifts; a refrigerator magnet, mints. It made me feel better. I exercised not hard but I did it five days last week. I also walked outside three times; once with a friend. I always feel better outside. 

I was dreading the whole Thanksgiving holiday last week. My Mom's birthday is actually on Thanksgiving this year.  She would want us to just raise a glass, say happy birthday. Be happy. For Andrew, it's about all the ones we missed with him. No hope... of another Thanksgiving with him. My hard grief is acceptance with sadness. Reality and bargaining. I'm a ping pong between these feelings!

So this Thanksgiving. I'm grateful I'm with the people I love. With a chance to see people I care about. I think, those of you who are grieving will understand this.... there is too much sad in the way. My gratitude is like a dull echo. A forced choice. It will change, I know. Faith not fear.