Tough Start, good ending.

I had a tough start to a day yesterday. Mondays are hard. even though it isn't an actual anniversary day; I don't know why but I think its the idea; Mondays are hard.
anyway, I woke up sad and angry. Lately that is the mix happening... and I cried during my meditation time. I couldn't focus well and asked for help out loud...

And I went for a run, so prosaic but that's how life works sometimes. I really forced myself out there. And ended up, more impulsively than consciously, listening to Dr. Edith Enger being interviewed by Shelby Stanger; The Wild Ideas podcast that I love and has really helped me. Anyway, Dr. Edith talked about at age 14 being sent to the concentration camps.

The interview reminded me about how I thought, how I worked on thinking, consciously at times, about Andrew being addicted for so many years. It reminded me not to be a victim. Not to see my life as being a victim of Andrew's addiction. That thinking wasn't good for me or helped him and my relationship with him. I used to think that in the future when he was sober, I  didn't want to be resentful or blaming or at least to keep that to a bare minimum so I could just be with him as his Mom..

Anyway Again, I was running along and I stopped... to sob. I was reminded in the best way, of who I am. Who I want to be. Me, not a victim of grief. of bad things happening. But Me, Andrew's mom. always. Me, Margot a person, a strong, person. The essential me ness we all have and can't fully describe. The felt me.

And right behind me a guy ran past; tall, thin, sunglasses and he just kept running even though he must have heard me sob and saw me stop. And weirdly, that helped too because as he ran by, I thought, I'll keep running and he'll be my starter, my guide like in a race when you identify who you want to catch up and even pass and I kept running and listening to Dr. Edith who then reminded me to have hope, to make a choice to be strong. cause that's what we all have.

It's powerful when you ask for help and get it in unexpected ways. It reminds me of what Dano, Andrew's friend, told me when he died. Be open, he said. Just be open.Thanks Dano.