Juxtaposition

 Life is sometimes a juxtaposition. Juxta loosely is in hand, two objects very near each other.. Position loosely is from a French word;  its proper place, in place. 

I went to go buy a new laptop. Its been 8 years since the last one. There were definite signs. I can't say I was happy to purchase one. It just needed to be done. Checked off the list. 

After a day of satisfying errands and housecleaning, I was driving, on my way to Best Buy. I looked down at my hand. No diamond in my wedding ring. The small diamond was inset into my ring because I'm hard on my hands. My heart dropped. I drove home. 

Where to look amidst the day? Too many places. And I don't even know when it disappeared. I'm a person who has found things when I stop looking for them. So I did look but then gave up. I talked to Ray. He called insurance.

And I went to Best Buy and picked out a laptop. Bought it. And as the sales person put in my phone number, Andrews account came up. Immediately I feel shaky, tear eyed. The sales person didn't notice. Some of that is the mask I was wearing...She kept taking information and talking me through it. It didn't take long for me to say" stop". Stop. I told her Andrew had passed away. She said she was sorry. Took a breath. Told me how to get his name erased. and went on. 

I think there is a way loss is becoming a juxtaposition. One experience, one moment against another. I'm more in the world again, less isolated in the aloneness of loss. So, its a moment where there is one stab and the rush of healing blood filling in the hole.. pause breath and go on  

I like the word withstand. Which I won't do the roots of. I stand with tears, with shakiness, with stopping the rush of what's happening in this moment. I with stand it. 

I finished at Best Buy. I got in my car and took a breath. It was a beautiful day. I felt like Andrew was with me for a moment. saying something like Look! It's okay, Mom. It's okay.. and I felt, I saw for a moment the sparkling snow, the bluest sky. Beauty. I felt the heart expansion of beauty. Juxtaposition.