RAIN

 I listened to a podcast I'd recommend on a long walk Saturday. It's called The Happiness Lab hosted by Laurie Santos. She interviews a woman named Mary Brach who is a teacher in the mindfulness movement. Mary has a technique she calls RAIN to cope with her emotions; especially uncomfortable emotions. Recognize, Allow, Investigate and Nurture. 

It's working well with my discomfort, my anxiety. I get anxious about the future;  we all do but loss is making mine worse. The dread of trying to make it through events where I "should" be happy or at least not sad. The attendant worry of making others sad. The upcoming Birthdays, anniversary...even although ridiculously far off, the Holidays. I know something has triggered this; some anniversary in the past, maybe a painful one, that makes these thoughts move to the front now. A habit of the mind. Called an anniversary reaction.

 I've always said and felt that naming your emotion is helpful. So is acknowledging the emotion. Nurture which is having self compassion; coaching yourself through is helping. So is this quote I came across; Future self will cope with future problems. 

I don't know ( it is comforting sometimes) how I will feel at Andrew's Birthday this year. I know I won't work. I don't work on my own either. I'm expecting to be sad, to eat junk food in honor of him. I know he'll always be in my heart. 

I have a tradition too. Last year I sent money to his sober home for the guys. They celebrated his birthday. I plan on doing it this year although I don't know how many guys will still be there who knew him. I'm going to be open to an event for all the lovely men and women who lost their lives, including Andrew. Open to the sober house making my donation work for them, to move them forward. It comforts me. and I like to think Andrew would approve, as long as there is laughter involved.