Goliath

Some mental health experts are now saying grief has a time limit. If you go over the two year time limit, you should be medicated and treated. I completely disagree unless the person is not functioning/ unable to work, be with friends and family, isolating and clearly depressed (hopeless, helpless, tearful daily and other symptoms) as well as grieving. 

There are different ways of grieving depending on the person and the loss itself. What  I have learned is how to manage the pain. The pain has not significantly lessened. I've accepted that. I don't think about the pain; indeed, I try not to. The pain comes in waves, unexpectedly and around the holidays, less unexpectedly. 

 Accepting the grief process means accepting living with pain.  I don't think grief is something you "get over or move on from". I don't want to go back to a past before Andrew died i.e. have Christmas like we used to...That sounds unbearably painful. 

My son was a happy guy. He would want me to be happy. I am happy at times, like everyone else.  I work, play, enjoy times with friends and family. I talk about my son; sometimes easily, sometimes tearfully. There are worse losses than the loss of a son. Losing children, whole families. 

Grieving can be lonely. I take some comfort from how many people face those losses. I'm hoping some people take comfort from knowing of mine.  We are all facing a Goliath. An immense loss to which we have the slingshot of one day at a time. We all find the strength to stand with/ withstand the pain.

 Living with loss changes us.. We adjust to living with the unexpectedness of pain. I've met people who remind me,  we are living with a heightened sense of human mortality. We know the pain of having someone we love taken from us. 

Therefore, spending time with people we love is important. Holidays are important. Please don't ask us if we will ever be able to have "a holiday like we used to". Understand if we leave early, get teary eyes or insist on bringing up a memory of someone who isn't here. We are managing our grief the best we can.  Give us compassion, understanding. Make us laugh, even.

Andrew could make me laugh. And please excuse cheesy... I feel Andrew would want me to live my best life. He was a good cheering section. So, I work at achieving goals, being my best self, for him. Part of grief is finding ways to go forward with the person; their legacy, their memory. 

But it is not, in my opinion, the end point or the last stage. Grief is not a linear process. It's ongoing. It's days of seeing Goliath far away and then suddenly up close.  I have met many grieving people in my work. They tend to be brave, strong and inspiring. Be inspired  and have compassion for them this Holiday season.