Physical pain actually has a scale. The nurses asked my husband after a surgery, repeatedly, where his pain level was while showing him a chart with different faces/ different levels of pain. Ten was the worst. One the best. Depression has a scale as well. But as far as I know, there is no emotional pain scale or loss scale. From day to day and even hour to hour, I'm high on the scale or lowish on the scale.
These days the pain feels like it is eating me up sometimes. During those times, when the pain is at awful" I have this thought. I work to dispute it. Sometimes I just accept it. It's about this pain always being the way pain is for me. Hopelessness doesn't help my pain.
When I'm carrying this red hot ball in my chest: I eat too much, which makes me uncomfortable in a different way. Or I rest and watch endless netflix which sometimes works. Writing helps. Working helps. Running outside helps. Exercise helps. Reading something inspirational about someone going through pain helps.
Recently, I tried talking, to a friend. He was in his own pain and I could tell; he wanted me to listen to him more than he wanted to hear from me. Friendships allow for that. In the past, I would have something positive, something helpful to say. I did this time too. Unfortunately, it was more exhausting than helpful to me. I actually cut the conversation short. which I normally never do. Hanging up and working with guilt; trying to excuse myself, trying to forgive myself, knowing it wasn't me like I used to be but.... It's all I had.
It does help to know people around me think about me, pray for me and send me support. I pray for people I love and know every single day. It helps me. I hope it helps them. But, in my pain scale 6 and up times, I think I should give as much as I get. And then I heap guilt onto the scale. I'm sure, is not the right path toward low numbers.
Sporadically, this thought, this accompanying feeling making up false hope..Magic! A series of steps, akin to a spell, an incantation to make me feel predictably better. Today, that thinking feels like bullshit. Maybe we need a scale of feeling better, 1. feeling terrible and 10 feeling normal. I'm going to start taking note of when I have a day that's a 4. rather than going for 6-10. A 4 now is not the four of the past though.
Normal is a past event. It's what I call a shadow feeling.. I think feeling normal will feel different, like a stranger who randomly stops by I have to get to know, will finally glimpse and recognize. "Oh yeah! I knew you once. You're sure different now. I feel different about you." The pandemic makes normal changed for all of us.
I'm reminding myself although the pandemic is bad...it reminds me how much we can change, come together, be better as humans. Learning how to be alone, how to pause, is another good. Montaigne, the first essayist's days' were a combination of writing and taking a walk. Writing and playing with his children and doing business. Longer days but with more pauses. We have a chance to try. to bounce, to be resilient and open with this change. Loss, I think, opens a bigger door to recognize change. Or maybe a bigger door to living in the present. I've learned one or two good hours at 4 or under, can help with a generally tough day.
No comments:
Post a Comment