Walking the Divine

Saturday

 The skies blue is mixed with big puffy clouds; floating layers guiding the eye upward. My first sentence is look up. Look up at the blue heaven, if you see it that way. Look up to see infinity, to see the purest definition of mystery, look up to see the divine.

Second sentence today is something my children used to tease me about saying too often... STAY STRONG. I bet they'd hate caps. Just what it says.

The third sentence relates to the first. Practice being spiritual. Root word spirit from the French and meaning Relating to or affecting the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things.‘I'm responsible for his spiritual welfare’
ALSO "Having a relationship based on a profound level of mental or emotional communion.

I like both definitions. Being spiritual means a long rambling walk communing with nature, stopping to look, to ponder. Alone. Part prayer/ meditation maybe. Spring walks always include looking for green growth amidst a quiet, brown landscape.  

Sometimes with loss, silence is not good for me. The natural drift of thoughts rambles toward what is heavy, what is dark; questions with no answers.... I feel like my loss is a huge black whirlpool slowly, slowly dropping me down in a spiral of dark thoughts ending in hopelessness and despair. Nothing works but movement or distraction. Trying to cultivate hope just doesn't work.

I'd like to suggest embracing hopelessness. Let's honor how hopeless this is. I have days and hours where I struggle mightily (which is just as human) against the way these losses are changing me, my life, my future and all of us. I don't want these changes. Change back! Feels childish, right? 

I know its natural and helpful to put emphasis on when life will get better. Not the past but the future. Speaking as someone who moves forward living with loss, thinking about the future sometimes, thankfully not all the time, sometimes, makes the present harder to bear. 

We will not get back what we have lost. My son. His future. Mine with him. We will not get back missed weddings, funerals, Olympics, money. It's gone. All I can try for is having an openness for what mysterious good could happen going forward. That works. Not knowing the future can be oddly comforting. 

That seems a better way  than rushing forward trying to save the present, trying to step over the suffering of the day.  Be hopeless and open, stay strong and look up. Better.