It's Real

 This Holiday season seems different from last year; good and tough ways. Last year, I felt like I was preparing for pain, waves of loss during the whole seasons. And that's what happened. This year, I thought I'd be prepared without preparing so much. Instead, as with my Mom, the finality of not having another Christmas with Andrew seems, well, real. 

Yes, we're in a pandemic and not spending time with extended family. Honestly, I think I would have felt waves of grief in about the same measure. The difference is in my small family, I can cry openly...not all the time do I cry openly, more often I cry privately but at least there is a level of acceptance in my small family.. 

In the larger extended family classic Christmas; I'm not going to show my loss. It's Christmas for everyone..So, there's more holding it in which means feeling more alone in the midst of a group of people. 

I can do that. How do I know? Because of the years when Andrew wasn't with us, when my fear and worry and pure pain for him to be there, lived inside me. And I wouldn't share it. It's exhausting to hold it in, compartmentalize it...I still had an okay Christmas. But the backdrop was pain I couldn't share. So, I know how to do it. 

But I have a bit of relief in the chance to get through another year without having to do contain my feelings. I think, anyone whose holiday season has been changed by loss, especially the loss of a child, gets this confusion.